The Rope Analogy

So my dear SISTER Juliana told me I should write again. I've pondered on writing about this post for a long time. I wrote an analogy years ago when I was struggling a lot in my belief's. I am at a much better place than I was then but am not where I know other friends/family are and so sharing this makes me nervous because it leaves me vulnerable. I only showed this to my bestie when I wrote it...(well Gary is a given but I was referring to Kevin) But if you don't know me well I am very open. Normally I like people asking me questions and then I'll tell you pretty much ANYTHING you want to know. Seriously try me.
Secondly I get nervous that people won't catch all the meanings that I threw in this analogy. So let me know if you catch it all at the end.
I am writing this now because maybe there are others that feel, felt or may feel this way later and it might help, maybe not but here you go anyway.

Written 3+ years ago... (sorry its long)

The Rope
An analogy with my feelings and religion

I am at the end of some rope. I look around and see many people on ropes as well. “The goal is to get to the top,” I thought. “You have to be strong and believe.” I watch others climb high or others who struggle to even hold on like I am. I suddenly see that my rope is down to a few strings that are holding together. I wonder if the so called goal really matters, what the view looks like from below, how it would be to let the rope break, and what would happen if I did. But I know that if I did it would be virtually impossible to get back up to where my rope is.

As time goes by I see others strength and get empowered that I too want to repair my rope and climb high. I believe and have a new found energy so I pull out some tools to strengthen my rope. But wait, these tools are few and small which make it difficult to work with. I can manage a measly fix. I look around at those that are fixing their rope too and their tools are BIG and helpful. What took me hours to fix they did easily. “How can I get tools like that?” I wondered. 

So one day when I was back at the bottom of my rope and my measly fix had broken down again I asked someone next to me to borrow their tools to fix my rope. As they passed it on over I eagerly and excitedly took the tools but the instant I touched them they shrunk to the size of my own tools. Saddened I passed them back and used my own to mend another paltry fix as I once again looked below wondering what it would be like to let go, and then looking up wondering what it would be like to be up high.

Some days I look up, and see all the strength and power others have. One day I noticed a few people on a ledge that their rope leads up to. They aren’t working hard to go up but then they don’t drop down either. Although it’s a slippery slope and if they aren’t careful they could fall. That doesn’t entice me one bit. I want to be high on the rope working hard and believing, or not. The ledge is ugly and those on it deep down don’t seem strong at all, in fact they seem like they have gotten weaker and wouldn’t be able to stay up as high as they were if they get back on. “Pointless,” I muffled. 

I work hard to get up just a little bit. I begin to think I am doing great but then that worthless fix breaks down again and I slip right back to the bottom. I’m tired of being in the middle. I either want to be stalwart and climb high or I want to be down off the rope with the confidence that I don’t want to go to the top and know it isn’t MY goal. I also know that I can’t let go and take my whole heart with me. But I am holding this rope for dear life feeling like this is what I want, and some days proclaim that it is what I choose but still seem to end up in the same place. So I instead hang on, hoping that one day I will know how to make my tools big and helpful, to be believing and so strong to work towards that top.

It gets lonely here though sometimes. If I could just be high on that rope with some loved ones or to let go and be with other loved ones it would be easier it seems. Easier because I wouldn’t have to fight to know what my goal is, what I really want.

So I inspect just that. What is it that I really want? What is my real issue? I look below and see so many loved ones. I see many things that I agree and think is better than the rope that keeps hanging by threads. There are many things that I see as a benefit and believe in those reasons why it would be better to let go. There are downsides though, parts I disagree with and would not want to be a part of. But at the same token I look up and see the same thing. As much as I hate to admit it, part of the issue is either way I go I leave loved ones behind. I feel so connected to those below, maybe they’re the ones that keep pulling on my strings and loosening them. Some people may cut those string far enough below so they don’t have access to them. Sadly, I can’t. I realized a reason that I can’t is because I can see a glimpse of their view and I am intrigued and even partially believe that it might be a better road.

So where do I go from here? I’m not sure. So I hold on at the end of my rope hoping that it will be enough for now and hope that something, the better thing for me, will give.  

OK so few questions, do you grasp what I'm meaning with the ledge? 

Do you understand what I am trying to say overall?

Questions to clarify anything you might not get?

Poem I wrote: Positivity

One night a while ago I was laying in bed and couldn't sleep. I kept thinking to myself the start of  a poem. I've written a lot of poems, usually they come out of me when there is a lot of emotion about something specific. (Most of the time sad poems) I haven't written poems in a long time (to be honest my life is pretty great these days! I can't complain!!!) So when I started to write this poem it was a different swing in a good light instead of my old typical sad ones. So it has become one of my favorites. Its just a simple poem, but hopefully you'll enjoy it too!

Positivity is a choice inside you,
Whether you believe it or not its true,
Like a muscle it may be weak,
It will get stronger, the more you learn, the more you seek.

Hard times do come our way,
It may even seem hard to get up day to day,
Frustrated or just depressed you want to stand up and say,
What more of a price will I have to pay?

It's easy to see the beauty of the sunset,
It's calming and happy with nothing to fret,
But when the sun sets and darkness abides,
Are those same feelings there or set aside?

Do you choose to see all the darkness that came?
The beauty is gone and its just not the same?
Or perhaps you choose to look a little higher in the sky,
Gasp in surprise and let out a big sigh,

You see the stars and find the beauty within.
It can be hard to disregard the darkness of sadness and sin.

The more we'll look the more we'll see,
A bright moon and milky way in all its majesty!

So look for the stars when the darkness shows up,
the positivity will start to develop,
Keep going on that path as little as it may seem,
Before you know it there will be a bright beam.

The sun starting to come over the horizon
Remember to practice even when it's easy and fun
Because as darkness comes with life for everyone,
We can look for the stars and wait for the sun. 

Jackson 2 year old pics!

JACKSON!

Ok Jackson isn't quite 2 yet! His birthday is at the end of this month on the 27th. BUT with my due date being 4 days later I decided to take two year old pics early. -Who knows when this baby will come!

Lately Jackson has been VERY needy of me. He wants me to carry him everywhere, doesn't want others, or just wants me to be there at all times! SO taking pictures was a feat because he just wanted me and kept asking me to hold him. GRRR... I do love that he is a momma's boy most of the time but it sure can be draining! Especially being this prego and it being hard to hold him as much as he wants. He slowly has gotten better and has done much better even with accepting Gary doing things instead of me. Relief... and good prep for when this baby comes. Nervous, excited and a bit curious to see how Jackson will be with little Lydia!

I get comments on his eyes a lot... I like them too!

A slight smile... YAY!

Yep, even with his favorite Brent he is wanting me

concern/should I whine look

Yes I should... 

Sometimes his whines look like a close smile?

Best one!

double...no triple chin cry

This was my UGH face of how needy Jackson was being of me
while I just SO wanted some good pictures of him.

a little food can help some

We had gone to Ricky's concert. After
we got to check out the instruments.

Outsiders view: but wanting to help those hurting!

Death, how final, how much pain, anguish, and grief that comes with those still living especially if it’s sudden.  I don’t know where it came from but this has been a fear of mine for oh so long. I haven’t had a tragedy to cause this fear it’s just there. I’ve had few people die in my life that I was close to. So this all really is from an outsiders view.

 I just read my friend Christa’s blog, she writes about her brother’s death by suicide. Her experience, her fathers, and how there is hope with the aftermath.

In reading her messages it reminded me how much I wanted to help when all this happened to her.  I remember feeling helpless but so badly wanted to be there for her. I remember hurting-physically- with gut wrenching feelings and ache in my chest for her. I wanted to help- but how? I remember texting Christa every once in a while. I don’t remember what I said but I did feel helpless.

As time passed I ended up on a mission. On it one of my dearest friends, Joni had her son die all too suddenly. I got permission to call her and had that all too familiar feeling of wanting to help but not knowing what to do. I, like Christa had explained in her post, wanted to take away the pain and hurt of others- especially in these scenarios.

With my fear of a loved one dying I ended up doing what I always do with something I feel uneasy about- ASK QUESTIONS! With marriage, sex, pregnancy, labor, kids I would ask all those who have experienced it the details to be expected. I realized my fear was becoming more debilitating than I realized! I wanted to understand and have faith not fear. So I bucked up and asked the hard questions to my dear friend about her son.  I first thought, I don’t want her to have to feel sad and depressed if I bring up her son. But then had the thought that with my past as uncomfortable it may be for others to ask me about it, It was so nice to be able to express and talk about my past pain.

“What can we on the outside do to help?” “What was the best thing someone did, the worst, the hardest, etc.1?” “What was the hardest part dealing with the passing?”

(I’ve done this same thing to a few people now- most recently Bigelow J)

I don’t remember all the responses but have a few that stick out.

For my friend Joni, (I realize not everyone may be like this…but for her it was) she actually liked talking about her son Tyler. It made her feel like he was still real, not a hushed or quieted subject. She realized it made others feel uncomfortable and understood that but really liked it when others would talk to her despite it.

All who I’ve asked (and Christa) said the thing that you do just have to give it time.  That is probably one of the hardest parts for me. I want to just help in a way that it can take it all away- and now.  

Another thing that was hard for some was the avoidance of some people because of the “not knowing what to say” complex.  Another person said that sometimes even just a hug, smile, or letting them cry with no words was great.

While talking to Stephanie just earlier this year I drilled her as well. (thanks!) She had her mother pass when she was a teenager. I know the view of a teenager would be different than an adult, parent, sibling etc. but one of the biggest things that I NEVER realized was plainly put by her. I had asked her what was something hard that others would do? Her response I’ve thought about a lot since! She said something to the matter of, “I appreciated those that found a need and filled it, where those that often asked ‘what can I do’ drove me nuts.” At first I was surprised. I KNOW I’ve asked that- that’s what you say right? Why is that so bad to ask? As she continued it struck me how true her statement was, “they ask the question because they want to feel better about the scenario. It wasn’t helpful, I was hurting and I didn’t want to help them by finding something they could do to make them feel better.” (this is not exactly what she said, this is how I took it!) WOW how profound this was to me. I would feel bad, want to help and if they did give me something to do to help it WOULD help me feel a little better. (as good of a heart as I know I had about it- my true intent really was to help them, not just me!)  But wow, FIND A NEED and FILL IT. Don’t just ask the question “what can I do to help?”

I don’t have experience but have talked to many, read friends blogs, and have been told many things that we on the outside can do. Smile, hug, let them talk. Life goes on for us outsiders a lot quicker, but it’s important to remember them after the initial passing and shock has worn off. A simple call or card on the loved ones birthday or year markers of their death. This can help to just say I remember them, and you. I know I’m not a pro, but I want to be of help to others in such a tragic time as losing a loved one and know there are others out there like me.

It’s not much, but you can’t bring back their loved one, time will help, and you can do the little things in the meantime.

ITS A......

GIRL!!!

ITS A GIRL!

Veterans Day is one of my favorite holidays since Gary has joined the military. You not only get to feel patriotic and proud my husband is serving but you get LOTS of free food! (and other benefits too!) 

Breakfast we went to the Village Inn- spent 3 dollars! Then we had an appetizer salad at Applebee's then a later lunch at Texas Roadhouse and a wonderful dinner at Olive Garden. Total spent 15 dollars or so! WAHOO! Gary also got a free haircut and we went to Savers for 50% off deal that day! 

We are both pointing to the pink shirts!

But best of all we went to my doctor appointment and we are having a HEALTHY and PERFECT little girl! Crazy life! Before I got pregnant I felt like I was going to have a girl come to our family next. Gary said he felt like that too. When I got pregnant I doubted all of those feelings and didn't know. But with Gary proclaiming it to everyone that it was a girl I was convinced that it was all over again but kept that too myself. 

When we went to Savers I HAD to
get a few girl clothes for fun! YAY!

It was super cute that when we found out that she was a girl Gary lipped "I want to text everyone and tell them right now!" He wanted a girl, felt like it was and was so dang excited when he found out it was! The rest of the day he kept calling her "Lydia" the girl name we had discussed. I too am excited to have a girl... but more than anything I'm nervous to have another child. Jackson is a handful! He will be two BARELY if I have her by her due date. I have heard about the terrible twos... I hope he's already went through that stage! :) (a mom can always wish right?)

 

beginning of pregnancy update!

Its been hard to motivate myself enough to get on here and write. The first 15 weeks of this pregnancy were HELL! Man I was way more sick with this one more than with Jackson. I had no energy, motivation, or desire to do anything. Which was bad because we moved into our new home during all of that.
Gary has been a SAINT with it all. He started his full time work at the Air National Guard Base and would come home to a home of disarray and no home cooked meal. He would attend to Jackson, make food, and do what he could to help with unpacking and getting things organized. Which would just make me feel horrible because I would lay there and think that if I could just mentally get there I could be much better. BUT I just couldn't.
At nights I would feel bad and cry to Gary and hate the way I was feeling and being. He would be so kind and say, "Don't worry this won't last forever." Although I know it was hard on him he was so perfect during it all. One night he told me in a very gentle way he things I have the baby blues. I said that comes AFTER you have a baby, not during. Apparently I was wrong. You can have this depression when you are pregnant. WOW. I sure had it.
After I started to feel better I still had no energy, desire or motivation to get things done which then made me even more mad because I then knew it was all mental because the sickness wasn't that bad. Gary was still patient, way more than I was with myself. FINALLY I have kicked myself out of it, I think it was Halloween weekend when I had a lot going on and a big surprise party for my parents that I was doing a lot for to help out. I think it kicked me into gear and helped me realize I like being busy, I like being productive and getting things done.
Now my house is in a bit more of an order, (I still have work!) we got a few pictures on the wall, I'm doing Christmas shopping, and even started working out again! YAY! I am feeling SO SO SO much better. The other day Gary came home to food, a clean house, and a bunch of little things that I had gotten done. He said, "I have my wife back! Oh how I've missed her." He's the cutest. And I am sure glad I am back too. That was a rough first trimester and a half!
We'll see when I can get back on here to let you know the GENDER of our baby! I find out tomorrow! So excited. Gary says to everyone its a girl (but says to me only because he really wants it to be). He has talked about it so much he kind of has gotten me thinking its a girl and even wanting a girl. I at first really wanted another boy first... I guess we will see.

These pictures have nothing to do with this post! The pics will be an update of the past little while.

First, We moved from our beloved St George that we dearly miss!!
Much more than I thought I would! I still wish we
could be in both places!

We got some way cute family pictures taken. 

Natalie and Andy got married!

These boys are a hoot together

At the wedding they had these cute frames
to take pictures with!

I couldn't get this picture to move up. But we went to Zions.
Which was super fun!

Happy Halloween!

Jackson helping unload silverwear

At the park!

Love the bum shot

His scowl is the best!

Jackson doesn't mind getting dirty!

Playing at cousins house! Great shot!

How has it been this LONG!

"I worked hard mom and got the lid off!"

I can't believe its been so long since I posted last! Life kind of gets a bit crazy as a new mom.
Its funny too because I use to wonder what stay at home moms do all day. Not in a "BORING" kind of way but just in a curious one. There are so many hours in a day and all I ever hear mothers doing is cleaning and taking care of baby.
HA! Well I now understand. I think the instant you have a baby the 24 hours in a day must go down to 13 or something. 5 hours sleeping, 4 hours of cooking, cleaning, feeding the child, putting the child down to sleep, and somehow eating in the midst of that, and then 4 hours of husband time intermingled with getting the baby ready to sleep, bottle, fed, and normal nightly routine. By the time its 9 your ready to crash as well.
Ok not really. I have a sweet life but the baby does change A LOT of things. Some good, some REALLY hard, and some bad. Its okay though because its all worth it.

Daily occurrence

Quick update on Jackson:

At 10 months he started walking. Still really wobbly but nonetheless WALKING! I was surprised because he was a late bloomer in rolling over and now he catches up with the times and walks wonderfully! He is a social boy. There can be cool things all around but when a child walks in the room Jackson tends to go follow them. One child even started walking in circles and Jackson would follow right behind.

How could you not give it to this!

Jackson turned ONE just over a week ago!! I have loved every stage of mothering. All of them had their downsides but I just soak up every minute of this kids life!

Jackson isn't the best eater in town. He will like something a ton for a little while and then later (and randomly) will decide that he does NOT want to eat that same exact food. This is one area of mothering that has been the HARDEST for me. GRRR that kid. I used to think that you could discipline or have more of a say in it but at this age I feel a little helpless and give in all too often to the "feed me something else" request.

Jackson's first haircut. He was skeptical of
the buzzer but did great without crying.

Overall Jackson is a GREAT kid. Although I feel most often others see him at his not so happy times too often. I think he likes more solemn atmosphere, which he doesn't get as often as he probably likes. We have had lots of events and vacations and hecticness in his life. The other day we had 6 people staying with us for the weekend (so much fun!!) the day they left when we got home from the outing we were on Jackson was running all over the place. I could just tell he was so excited to have the place back to normal and his domain was free and clear of stimulation.

First halloween

 At Halloween time there was a party going on. Gary wasn't going to be able to go because of school and I wasn't just because he wasn't. Last minute I decided to go but didn't have a costume. A friend of mine had lent me Jacksons outfit beforehand and so with a little creativeness (and no time) I tried to match his outfit. Kind of funny, weird and so me right? HA well we had fun at the party.

Cute Sohpie and Jax playing 

This is the spouting out face that means,
"try again"

Jackson has all girlfriend. We have a play group that meet every 2 weeks and all three of the other kids we play with are girls. Also we have wonderful friends -Christie and Brian- that we see almost every weekend (grateful to have them!) also have a girl. Its fun to see him with other kids and how he interacts. One day when we were at Christie and Brians house Jackson was walking around and all of a sudden went down and started crawling. I thought it was odd, he NEVER crawled when he didn't have to. Well I saw him do it again, this time it was obvious. Sophie, their daughter crawled passed and so down goes Jackson to copy her crawl. It was cute. Friends already have an influence! :)