Outsiders view: but wanting to help those hurting!

Death, how final, how much pain, anguish, and grief that comes with those still living especially if it’s sudden.  I don’t know where it came from but this has been a fear of mine for oh so long. I haven’t had a tragedy to cause this fear it’s just there. I’ve had few people die in my life that I was close to. So this all really is from an outsiders view.

 I just read my friend Christa’s blog, she writes about her brother’s death by suicide. Her experience, her fathers, and how there is hope with the aftermath.

In reading her messages it reminded me how much I wanted to help when all this happened to her.  I remember feeling helpless but so badly wanted to be there for her. I remember hurting-physically- with gut wrenching feelings and ache in my chest for her. I wanted to help- but how? I remember texting Christa every once in a while. I don’t remember what I said but I did feel helpless.

As time passed I ended up on a mission. On it one of my dearest friends, Joni had her son die all too suddenly. I got permission to call her and had that all too familiar feeling of wanting to help but not knowing what to do. I, like Christa had explained in her post, wanted to take away the pain and hurt of others- especially in these scenarios.

With my fear of a loved one dying I ended up doing what I always do with something I feel uneasy about- ASK QUESTIONS! With marriage, sex, pregnancy, labor, kids I would ask all those who have experienced it the details to be expected. I realized my fear was becoming more debilitating than I realized! I wanted to understand and have faith not fear. So I bucked up and asked the hard questions to my dear friend about her son.  I first thought, I don’t want her to have to feel sad and depressed if I bring up her son. But then had the thought that with my past as uncomfortable it may be for others to ask me about it, It was so nice to be able to express and talk about my past pain.

“What can we on the outside do to help?” “What was the best thing someone did, the worst, the hardest, etc.1?” “What was the hardest part dealing with the passing?”

(I’ve done this same thing to a few people now- most recently Bigelow J)

I don’t remember all the responses but have a few that stick out.

For my friend Joni, (I realize not everyone may be like this…but for her it was) she actually liked talking about her son Tyler. It made her feel like he was still real, not a hushed or quieted subject. She realized it made others feel uncomfortable and understood that but really liked it when others would talk to her despite it.

All who I’ve asked (and Christa) said the thing that you do just have to give it time.  That is probably one of the hardest parts for me. I want to just help in a way that it can take it all away- and now.  

Another thing that was hard for some was the avoidance of some people because of the “not knowing what to say” complex.  Another person said that sometimes even just a hug, smile, or letting them cry with no words was great.

While talking to Stephanie just earlier this year I drilled her as well. (thanks!) She had her mother pass when she was a teenager. I know the view of a teenager would be different than an adult, parent, sibling etc. but one of the biggest things that I NEVER realized was plainly put by her. I had asked her what was something hard that others would do? Her response I’ve thought about a lot since! She said something to the matter of, “I appreciated those that found a need and filled it, where those that often asked ‘what can I do’ drove me nuts.” At first I was surprised. I KNOW I’ve asked that- that’s what you say right? Why is that so bad to ask? As she continued it struck me how true her statement was, “they ask the question because they want to feel better about the scenario. It wasn’t helpful, I was hurting and I didn’t want to help them by finding something they could do to make them feel better.” (this is not exactly what she said, this is how I took it!) WOW how profound this was to me. I would feel bad, want to help and if they did give me something to do to help it WOULD help me feel a little better. (as good of a heart as I know I had about it- my true intent really was to help them, not just me!)  But wow, FIND A NEED and FILL IT. Don’t just ask the question “what can I do to help?”

I don’t have experience but have talked to many, read friends blogs, and have been told many things that we on the outside can do. Smile, hug, let them talk. Life goes on for us outsiders a lot quicker, but it’s important to remember them after the initial passing and shock has worn off. A simple call or card on the loved ones birthday or year markers of their death. This can help to just say I remember them, and you. I know I’m not a pro, but I want to be of help to others in such a tragic time as losing a loved one and know there are others out there like me.

It’s not much, but you can’t bring back their loved one, time will help, and you can do the little things in the meantime.