The Rope Analogy

So my dear SISTER Juliana told me I should write again. I've pondered on writing about this post for a long time. I wrote an analogy years ago when I was struggling a lot in my belief's. I am at a much better place than I was then but am not where I know other friends/family are and so sharing this makes me nervous because it leaves me vulnerable. I only showed this to my bestie when I wrote it...(well Gary is a given but I was referring to Kevin) But if you don't know me well I am very open. Normally I like people asking me questions and then I'll tell you pretty much ANYTHING you want to know. Seriously try me.
Secondly I get nervous that people won't catch all the meanings that I threw in this analogy. So let me know if you catch it all at the end.
I am writing this now because maybe there are others that feel, felt or may feel this way later and it might help, maybe not but here you go anyway.

Written 3+ years ago... (sorry its long)

The Rope
An analogy with my feelings and religion

I am at the end of some rope. I look around and see many people on ropes as well. “The goal is to get to the top,” I thought. “You have to be strong and believe.” I watch others climb high or others who struggle to even hold on like I am. I suddenly see that my rope is down to a few strings that are holding together. I wonder if the so called goal really matters, what the view looks like from below, how it would be to let the rope break, and what would happen if I did. But I know that if I did it would be virtually impossible to get back up to where my rope is.

As time goes by I see others strength and get empowered that I too want to repair my rope and climb high. I believe and have a new found energy so I pull out some tools to strengthen my rope. But wait, these tools are few and small which make it difficult to work with. I can manage a measly fix. I look around at those that are fixing their rope too and their tools are BIG and helpful. What took me hours to fix they did easily. “How can I get tools like that?” I wondered. 

So one day when I was back at the bottom of my rope and my measly fix had broken down again I asked someone next to me to borrow their tools to fix my rope. As they passed it on over I eagerly and excitedly took the tools but the instant I touched them they shrunk to the size of my own tools. Saddened I passed them back and used my own to mend another paltry fix as I once again looked below wondering what it would be like to let go, and then looking up wondering what it would be like to be up high.

Some days I look up, and see all the strength and power others have. One day I noticed a few people on a ledge that their rope leads up to. They aren’t working hard to go up but then they don’t drop down either. Although it’s a slippery slope and if they aren’t careful they could fall. That doesn’t entice me one bit. I want to be high on the rope working hard and believing, or not. The ledge is ugly and those on it deep down don’t seem strong at all, in fact they seem like they have gotten weaker and wouldn’t be able to stay up as high as they were if they get back on. “Pointless,” I muffled. 

I work hard to get up just a little bit. I begin to think I am doing great but then that worthless fix breaks down again and I slip right back to the bottom. I’m tired of being in the middle. I either want to be stalwart and climb high or I want to be down off the rope with the confidence that I don’t want to go to the top and know it isn’t MY goal. I also know that I can’t let go and take my whole heart with me. But I am holding this rope for dear life feeling like this is what I want, and some days proclaim that it is what I choose but still seem to end up in the same place. So I instead hang on, hoping that one day I will know how to make my tools big and helpful, to be believing and so strong to work towards that top.

It gets lonely here though sometimes. If I could just be high on that rope with some loved ones or to let go and be with other loved ones it would be easier it seems. Easier because I wouldn’t have to fight to know what my goal is, what I really want.

So I inspect just that. What is it that I really want? What is my real issue? I look below and see so many loved ones. I see many things that I agree and think is better than the rope that keeps hanging by threads. There are many things that I see as a benefit and believe in those reasons why it would be better to let go. There are downsides though, parts I disagree with and would not want to be a part of. But at the same token I look up and see the same thing. As much as I hate to admit it, part of the issue is either way I go I leave loved ones behind. I feel so connected to those below, maybe they’re the ones that keep pulling on my strings and loosening them. Some people may cut those string far enough below so they don’t have access to them. Sadly, I can’t. I realized a reason that I can’t is because I can see a glimpse of their view and I am intrigued and even partially believe that it might be a better road.

So where do I go from here? I’m not sure. So I hold on at the end of my rope hoping that it will be enough for now and hope that something, the better thing for me, will give.  

OK so few questions, do you grasp what I'm meaning with the ledge? 

Do you understand what I am trying to say overall?

Questions to clarify anything you might not get?