Mission Monday..... On Wednesday.

I know its Wednesday but I had written most of this a while ago and just finished it and don't want to wait until Monday to post... so its mission Monday on a Wednesday. Deal with it! :)

Sister Bingham.... Before I begin with this...whatever it will become, I need to give you all some back story for those who don't know it.

When I was a teen at my parents house I would constantly get in fights with my mom. We would be yelling at each other and it was just NOT a good situation. When I turned 18 I looked for a nanny position and was going through an agency to help me find a place to go. Before I was accepted they called a few people to see my references. I found out my mom gave me a BAD reference. In response they didn't accept me.

I was already hurt by her in many ways and this just added to the struggle we already had. I found a local nanny job, bought my own car WITHOUT her help, got my own insurance, got a boy that I knew she wouldn't approve of and was trying to be independent of her.
I was asked by Rick and Julie Brunson to go to Hawaii with them and be a nanny so if they want to go out I would watch the kids. (They paid for everything but extras I wanted there.) It was about a week and a half trip. I was in bliss. I felt loved, cared for, and I confided in them with some of the darkest secrets I had at the time that was eating at me. When I got home the FIRST night my mom and I got in a HUGE fight.
I couldn't take it anymore. I eventually went to the Brunsons for a few nights and they said I could move in. I left my parents house happily and ran as fast as I could.

We did have fun even through my difficulty. This is us
breaking into a church we needed to set up a baptism for.

Now back to Sister Bingham. Now I don't know where to start. This area was cleansing of my past. I was looking through my journal and at the beginning Sister Bingham and I seemed to be fine. Then I don't know what happened but it was VERY DIFFICULT. I had a bunch of my past come flowing in. I kept pushing it aside because I was on a mission, it wasn't ME time. It was time to forget about me and focus on everyone else and this work. This wasn't a good thing. Bingham and I really struggled. I remember one fight of ours where she was yelling (I'm sure I was too) and she walked out of the room and into the next room and she slammed the door. It was a FLASHBACK to my mom and my fights. That is EXACTLY what she would do. I hated it. Later Bingham said she didn't know why she did that and it was very out of her character. God really was giving me my mom. I had run away from my situation when I was 18 instead of working it out and now I was going to have to deal with my past issues whether or not I was willing to admit it.

We still had great missionary experiences. This Family
I absolutely love and disagree with all those who
talk negatively about baptizing 9-12 year olds.
This experience was amazing!

I remember getting an letter from my dearest friend Jen Bowman. She talked about how everyone goes through their own Gethsemane on the mission. This sure was mine. I hurt so much but didn't know how to change everything.

There are some area's that Bingham has TRUELY changed my life. First off she is NOT really like my mom, I don't know why she represented her in every way at the time because she is opposite of that mom I anguished over. Bingham is SO positive. She has changed my life in MANY ways and this is one. She would always want things said in a positive way. (I have totally applied this in my life and try my hardest to say things positively- it has changed my life!) If I was down about myself, how could we say it in a better way. (not like my old mom) She also loved UNCONDITIONALLY through all the HELL I put her through. I still feel bad at the times I remember her crying at my expense, her trying to love me and my unaccepting self. (at the time I didn't know HOW to accept it) She told me, "I am TRYING to love you but you won't let me in." It was true. I was past feeling for so long I didn't know how to come alive.

A story for another time... but those of you who do know-
EWWW(and yet so funny)

Her desires are SO pure. I loved a picture that was at the LDS store we would often visit. It wasn't cheap but on my birthday she gave it to me and bought one for herself. I still LOVE it. I have such a tenderness for it. The picture is of a man at a lighthouse where waves of water is surrounding it and it looks as if there is no way out. It says, "Sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms his child."

No matter how hard I pushed her away she would push harder back trying to get inside my heart. I call this time of my life an awakening. Because of my past I was dead. I really didn't FEEL. I can't really explain how past feeling I was beforehand. This was all preparatory for the best last half of my mission.

I was happy to leave, but sad at the same time. I loved the area so MUCH!, I felt the immense change that had come over me, and I was very close to my mission president. I did NOT want to leave him.

Sister Strebeck, me, Sister Bingham

I have never truly thanked Bingham the way she deserves. She was one of my companions that changed my life more than any else. Others had an impact- and some a HUGE impact which has benefited my life greatly. But she was there for me when I needed to work through past and loved me through it. (Just like Christ, even if we don't love him, accept him or his love, He will love us nonetheless.) Just like my Mission President did.

Bingham was the one I NEEDED at that time. There wasn't going to be a different way out, I couldn't run, hide or ignore it. I had to face it. Get over my past. Let the little child out the door to move on and let go of the hiding hurt I had. No one can understand but God and me the feelings that superseded my experience with her and the amazing BLUE CREEK WARD! :)
On to Sister Ross! -in which I just did a post about a few weeks ago.

A little update

My life is about to be turned upside down....And for now I am calm about it. For those of you that don't know Gary will be leaving a week from Tuesday! He is going to boot camp and then tech training and will be gone for 5 months! YIKES. I haven't been away from him longer than just over a week since we were DATING! ( which has been 4 years!) He will be going to boot camp in Lackland, Texas and then shipped to Biloxi Mississippi for tech training. The hardest part of all is that he is going to be missing the birth of our first in March. Another downer is that he will be in boot camp still when I have the baby and might not even be able to be on the phone for it depending on the day I deliver. 

When Gary leaves his life will not be the life he once lived. Not only will boot camp and tech training change him or that he will be gone from everyone for almost a half of a year but he will be coming home to a 3 month old son. His first Fathers Day he will be gone for and possibly not even seen his son in person by then. Our lives really is about to change. 

But now on to the upsides. Gary and I have seen God's hand in our lives so much and can't deny the help He has given us throughout our whole marriage. So I want to express the good things with what is about to happen even though it might be one of the toughest 5 months I will have to go through.

 -Gary was able to stay for all of the holidays and for his brother's wedding that happened in December. 

 -I have a place to stay up here in SLC area so I don't have to be alone in St George especially with a labor and delivery and dealing with a newborn during Gary's absence. 

 -Right now we have insurance but when a military person is active they are 100% covered. So the birth of our baby won't be a chunk of money that we don't have. 

 -For some reason I think that I will be able to gain more confidence in my parenting ability if I have to do it on my own for a while. 

 -Also I think Gary will adjust better with a baby if I have the hang of it.

 -Gary will  be back in time to make it for the next semester of college. 

 -Gary has scholarships for school when he gets back.

 -I get to live with a wonderful supportive family that will be a huge help for me during this difficult time.

There are many blessings that I can't explain that we have felt and had happen. 

I am so proud of Gary for the sacrifice he is taking for the benefit of our family. This step he has taken hasn't been easy and still won't be but I am so happy to be married to a man that will do what it takes to live the life we want to have for our future.